Wednesday, January 27, 2010


My parents gave us these PaperWhite's in memory of Ellis Anne this year.  She would have been 2 on the 19th of November.  

We just planted the bulbs last week, and they are shooting up.  I like watching them grow.  I like tending to them.

I didn't write about Ellis on the 19th.  I just, couldn't.  It's not that the 19th was bad.  It wasn't.  The 19th was a good day.  We went out to the cemetery.  We put new flowers on her headstone.  We prayed.  We went out to lunch.  It was a good time of remembrance.

It's the days leading up to the 19th that are so difficult.  

I'm sure the grief experts have a name for it, but the weeks preceding November 19th, are, for me, heavy.  My heart is heavy.  I feel extremely........fragile.  Couple that with moving this year, and you have a recipe for some serious meltdowns.  Praise God that I have an amazing family, and I am so thankful for my sister-in-laws Lesley & Chandra who were sweet enough to sit and talk, and hug, and just sit with me as I melted a few many times.  

I thought the years would bring more distance than they do.  I thought that after 2 years it would seem like "so long ago" that we lost her.  But, it doesn't.  

I am, however, so thankful to have been remembering Ellis with Jane in my arms.  Not that Jane could ever take the place of Ellis, but I do feel God's goodness to us through Jane.

"Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, 
so great is his unfailing love."
Lamentations 3:32


Tiff said...

Well said, friend. That sweet baby girl is missed.

Terry and Bonnie said...

Thank you for sharing your pain, Karin...It helps us understand a little more.
Luv ya!

Sarah said...

Love you Karin. Glad you shared.

Julie said...

Love you K-dog. I can't wait for you to see Ellis with our Lord in heaven. How sweet that day will be.

Lesley said...

And I've been thankful to have you when I've had my own meltdowns, Roommate.


Anonymous said...

wish we lived closer. miss you my friend.

love, tree xo

Amy said...

I know that heaviness well, Karin. The days leading up to Nathaniel's birthday are always so much harder for me than the actual day. He would have been four this year (Oct 19th is his birthday. I didn't realize their days were so close). It seems like it's either a big build up to a lot of emotion or... to nothing. A big let down. It's hard to explain, although I'm sure you understand better than most.

Don't think of the years that go by as putting distance between you and Ellis. It's the opposite. Every day, every year, that passes brings us that much closer to see our babies again.

Hugs to you.